I LOVE YOU, CHUA JIAHUI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

refer below:

Dear Jie Ying,

I refer to your email dated 21 Oct 09, regarding your request to change your curriculum subject.

2        We have reviewed your request and are prepared to change your CS1: Eng Lang, CS2: Math (Lower Sec) to the following CS(s):

CS1: Econs (JC)
CS2: Eng lang (sec).

Please be informed that you are eligible for the MOE study grant due to the change in your CS1.

3        We will notify the relevant authorities of your change in CS(s). Please note that you will have to teach in Bartley Secondary until further notice..

4        Best wishes.

gel stickers.

taken using the macro function on my camera:

ladybug! super clear!

more macro shots:

odd-looking bee.

_________

…is on my wall right now:

rectangular frame from ikea. idea from me. together we add colour into each other’s lives. i plan on adding more photo frames to my wall (of different sizes) because my wall looks abit plain now.

like such. *grimace*

_________

…i bought recently:

new white heels from anna nucci. got ribbon one!

cute right? although it hurts like mad when i walk in it, but ALL new shoes hurt…right? bbz says girls value appearance more than comfort, and i can’t say i disagree…

black velvet heels with pink lining and tiny silver ribbon at the side.

new books:

I am so hooked on the Mysterious Benedict Society series! ohmygod. I am kind of appalled at how I enjoy books that are supposedly meant for children. today I actually had to restrain myself from buying the entire series of Diary of a Wimpy Kid…and if you absolutely have NO idea which series I’m talking about, then…

GOOD FOR YOU. T___T

and of course, how could I possibly miss out on mitch albom’s newest book? if it’s any good i’ll put up a review on it.

new bag:

doesn’t look very nice like that, i know. let me see if i could show you why i bought the bag…

first of all, it’s a sling bag! i’ve always been looking for a bag like that. and even though it’s a sling bag, it’s not THAT casual and i could still bring it for work and not worry about fellow colleagues wondering if i was going to the beach.

secondly, black and gold always makes an awesome combination.

thirdly, minnie gave her approval! aww minnie! even though you were thrown out of the window by heartless bbz, you came back to life!

and finally, the most important reason of all: I THINK I LOOK GOOD WITH IT. so there.

_________

…bbz bought for me:

my new xiongxiong helium balloon! i don’t know why, but i have always been very amazed by helium balloons. i mean, look at it! it FLOATS! how many things do YOU know that float? i like to hit helium balloons up and down like they are basketballs.

hahah, don’t ask us what we were doing.

_________

… make me happy:

taking many many photos with bbz.

puckered mouth!

i also want!

we are both bunnies! :B :B

_________

the only person to make me happy, keep me happy, and stay happy with me:

bbz

bbz

bbz

bbz!

if anything, i have MORE to do now than before.

i had 36 literature common test scripts, 36 literature final year exam scripts, 36 english final year paper 2, 36 + 38 + 40 secondary 2 math normal academic paper 1 scripts to trawl through.

today, while marking the math papers, i discovered that i made a mistake. hence i have to go back and recheck ALL the scripts i have marked to make sure that i correct my mistake. this is the meaning of ‘colossal mistake’, i guess. for one mistake, i have to recheck (36 + 38 + 40) scripts, (36 + 38 + 40) times.

my long weekend is about to arrive, and i am rather determined not to bring any papers home to mark. so despite the fact that i have yet another tiresome staff meeting tomorrow morning at 8 (which is prolly none of my business but contract teachers are still CORDIALLY invited to attend; read: ATTEND, OR I FIRE YOU), i am going to chiongchiongchiong and hopefully return home in time for a nap before my tuition in the evening.

today i also attended a briefing for O level invigilators at another secondary school rather near to my house. after the briefing, a teacher from my school drew me aside and asked me, are you okay? you seem so tired… not at all like how you used to be when you just came in…

the thing is, i can’t really remember how i was like when i first started teaching. that is a distant memory, already. i don’t think i was the really enthusiastic sort, nor the eager-for-more type; prolly what the teacher meant was that i didn’t used to look so defeated, so exhausted, so weary.

if i was given the chance to make my choice again, would i have still chosen teaching?

my answer is yes.

if i knew i would be going to the secondary school i am in right now, would i have still chosen teaching?

my answer is no.

if i knew i would be teaching the subject combination i am given, would i have still chosen teaching?

my answer is no.

chew on THAT, MOE, the next time you force someone to teach a subject they can’t make head or tail out of.

The question read: Why does a sharp knife cut better than a blunt knife?

The student asked: Teacher, what’s the meaning of a ‘blunt knife?’

Me: … Er. A knife that is not sharp..??

——

That was really the best I could do. Hahah.

first i spent most of the afternoon flat on my bed, playing farm frenzy on bbz’s iphone while he slogged away at his 210 assignment (aww! poor thing!).

we skipped lunch, but decided to reward ourselves by having another impromptu dinner outside, at aston’s. it’s fast becoming my favourite restaurant! i love the potato salad they serve there! ^___^ but the weekend crowd is damn sick. even though we got there relatively early (@ 630) we only managed to start eating our starters at about 715 – 730. the rest of the time was spent waiting around and playing mario kart on bbz’s DS.

and then we went over to plaza singapura to walk around. i spotted mitch albom’s new book! planning to buy it the next time i visit kinokuniya (i am a proud member now!). didn’t spot my Mysterious Benedict Society book, was vastly disappointed, but i am quite sure kino would have it. if not i guess i just have to order it online. my students are clamouring for the book!

came back home, watched two episodes of the latest hongkong drama we are hooked on, on my lappy. ate durian and loads and loads of watermelon.

it was a good day!

and tomorrow is only SUNDAY, so there’s no school, so i am a very happy and satisfied girl. AND did i mention my pay is coming in on monday? whee~~

and i’m doing my much-needed facial treatment now (cleanser + nose pack + toner + seaweed mask + moisturizer + anti-shadow eye cream), so on top of feeling relaxed my skin is feeling nourished.

i wish everyday could be like this.

coming back home in the afternoon always makes me feel as if tomorrow is a long way away. and then, of course, the sense of accomplishment is always there: that of surviving yet another day in the jungle.

my mentor used to have this to say about newborn teachers:

it’s like we’re thrown into the deep end of the pool…

but recently, i have begun to think otherwise.

i don’t think we are thrown into the deep end of the pool, nope i don’t. because you know we naturally float, don’t you? so even when thrown into the deep end of the pool, we survive. yes, we struggle, but we ultimately survive in the end.

i think a more appropriate analogy for newborn teachers would be:

it’s like we’re thrown into a frying pan full of sizzling oil…

you can’t get any deader than that, i reckon. we remain in that pot of sizzling oil until someone scoops us up, all crisp and burnt and dead, and the students eat us for recess.

ooh that’s quite a good analogy. i should copyright it.

i reckon all students will hate me for saying this, but the end of year exams would REALLY give the teachers a break from all the teaching.

i know i NEED that break.

my so-called mentor has disappeared from the teaching scene. her MC has been extended indefinitely. i have completely taken over her tiresome secondary one express class, and i am so goddamn sick of it. and god knows the students are sick of me, too, so the feeling is mutual and that’s always nice to know.

i wish she would come back, so i can wash my hands off of the rebellious, the dyslexic, the hyperactive, and the what-have-you. this really isn’t what i signed up for.

and despite knowing that this ISN’T an occupation i can foresee myself staying in for any length of time (i can’t even foresee myself staying in it for three MONTHS, much less three YEARS – which is the bonded period), i am procrastinating about emailing MOE and giving them the ultimatum (which is going to be pretty simple and straightforward in content: MAKE ME AN ECONOMICS TEACHER, OR I QUIT). i think i have an irrational fear of rejection.

and with record number of people signing up to be teachers, i am TOTALLY not sure whether MOE will really care a hoot about whether i stay or leave, either.

sigh. choices, choices.

really, the only good thing that comes out from all of these is that i am having, for the first time, money in my bank account that DOES not come from my ahma. which is good. i get so much more freedom in buying things. recently i just booked a trip to genting this coming year end to go for a genting getaway with bbz. 269 bucks, and i didn’t even bat an eyelid.

ha. oh well.

i am not a workaholic.

yesterday i had to stay in school til about 9pm because of a ‘family night’ held for the technical students in the school. the irony being that there were very few actual parents who turned up, and the students who were there were THERE because they were threatened with various sorts of punishments should they fail to comply.

today i stayed in school til almost six because of a meeting on the School Excellence Model. would have been REALLY REALLY good exposure if i had actually KNOWN what they were talking about.

i am quickly being disillusioned. help.

yes it’s that bad.

my outburst just now outside the school was unintentional, yet i meant every word.

even though my passion for teaching is there, even though i really REALLY do want to be a teacher, it is also this passion that is killing me.

or rather: my students are killing my passion. alive. they are eating it up, gobbling greedily. i can see it in their eyes. the pairs and pairs of eyes that say here’s another teacher we are going to devour… ALIVE.

everytime i see a student deliberately misbehaving, deliberately trying to get my feathers ruffled, deliberately talking back to me just because they CAN (and they know i can’t do a single goddamn thing about it), i die a  little inside.

because i’ve got to keep my passion alive, i’ve got to quit this job.

what an irony.

i don’t believe teaching should be like THIS. if you are the sort of person who’s able to teach under forty pairs of watchful teenage eyes, then good for you.

but this isn’t for me.

i WANT to be a good teacher, i WANT to be the sort of teacher students approach after class, i WANT to be a friendly, and humourous sort of teacher; but my students are causing me to act out in ways previously unimaginable. i shout myself hoarse, i break down in class and cry, i plead with them (desperately, i might add) to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen.

is this how teaching should be like?

i think not.

i’ve seen how my students behave with other teachers. it’s like they have two personas. one which they use with other teachers, and one they use with me. so if they can behave themselves with other teachers, it must be ME they are having problems with.

and this is why i think, unless MOE allows me to switch to a junior college, i should be quitting.

you may or may not agree with me; eitherway i don’t care for neither your upturned arrogant nose, nor your oh-i-know-better remarks.

i should be emailing MOE soon, as well as out looking for some other suitable positions.

[note: already checked all the polytechnics in singapore, no positions available for economics lecturers, sigh]

[tempting to go back NTU as a masters student, though... ]

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

you think?